orange scented

this morning i went and rescued my mil from the merchants tire. we visit that place so much connor hopped right in the car saying "were going to get a new tire"....ah yes. after we completed our rescue mission we went into the bob evans and had some deliciousness, kate smeared most of her deliciousness onto the table, floor,and im sure some in her mouth. Then i gave my car up for a couple of days and came home. now im sitting here. Kate sounds awful, she's all snotty and gooey. She has a drs appt friday & since she's not running a fever and i dont think there is anything they can tell me to do for her im not already doing (duh...been there before) im not rushing her in. I wonder if they'll still give her, her shots tho. I dunno. So ben is in some class and he called to tell me random stuff from his class. Yay me. & i found Marguerite again. She rocks. I could smack her for just not remembering to log on. (SMACK). Tiffany jewlery is the purdies. But then again, isnt All jewlery the purdies?

nobody + the bottle looks very good

so, i was denied foodstamps today. Apparently it doesnt matter that we make so little money we cant afford to feed ourselves. Anything we have that is fairly nice is because someone gave it to us. It makes us feel like poop. Stinky poop. We havent been eating so that there would be more food for connor. Ben has lost 40lbs in less than 2 months. I apparently take longer to look skinny, but i cant keep my shorts up. Not eating might be part of the reason i m.c. so often. But im going to try and pretend that isnt true. As much as we'd love another baby, im not sure its ever going to happen. And if it does, I really hope it happens in 2 or more years from now. We'd like to just once be able to say we did something for ourselves. Up untill recently, after we bought our own home we told ourselves we wouldnt go back to bens parents to ask for $. We really wanted to proove we could stick it out and that we were able to do it. But, then the economy went into the toilet & basically everyone who was middle class is now lower middle class or even lower than that. We're somewhere hanging on by a thread in the bottom section of the lower middle class. Barely. And whats awful is ben makes really good money if you look at it on the whole. For what he does he makes more than a civillian would make anywhere else. He still feels like he's not doing enough. Ive tried to get a job but things just arent going my way at the moment. I feel like EVENTUALLY something has to give. Either one of the jobs he's been posted for will come thru or something will come thru for me. If i could just speak spanish i would be working at Lowes right now. I didnt tell ben because I knew he'd be more than a little pissed. They assumed when they granted me an interview that I spoke spanish. I guess in person i look very hispanic/puerto rican and less italian. I dunno. But i've always been mistaken for being able to speak spanish based on my looks. And that lost me the job. Sure they didnt say it in so many words, but once they realized i couldnt speak spanish any better then the redheaded white lady interviewing me..... the interview came to an abrupt end. My parents are hurting more than we are and might have to move into a trailer. I guess then I wouldnt be the only one in my family who is on the bottom rung. I love my family, but they all look down on us just a bit. Even if its not ment to be a nasty way of thinking or talking or acting, I know they dont understand why we didnt just not have our kids and go and finish college first. I love my aunts very much, but one married into one of the wealthiest families in our state, and the other has enough degree's to make up for the fact that her husband doesnt. My mom was engaged to some one who was very wealthy. An entire wedding was planned, and then she decided my hippy dad was a better choice. Dont get me wrong im glad that Im here, and that my dad and mom are who they are. But on the whole, decision making skills dont run high thru my genetic blood line. (sigh) and meanwhile my little (23) brother is sitting on his ass drinking himself closer and closer to liver failure.

bass aackwards

okay, so i went and got a serum test done. and it was totally negative. I kinda expected as much. So the nurse i had talked to me about how she'd heard less than good things about the dollar tree tests that i had been using. she mentioned i should give an opk a try and see if i could find out if i was ovulating at all. so i did, i bought the 7pack from target and took one when i got home. and it was Deffinately positive for ovulation. But ben doesnt want to do it with me, and he's pissed because he says i raped him last night......

confused much??

so basically i think that when i tested + a few days ago, it was false. dr L thinks we had concieved and then my body re-absorbed the pregnancy. & That could have been why i had what i thought at the time was a very short and light period. Now im not very certain what to think, so im guessing i'll just think nothing. I'll have a blood test done soon and then I will know for sure, although Im pretty sure that the pregnancy tests Ive taken today are very accurate. And because my + were so light, I never felt strongly that I would have a sucessful pregnancy this time. In my heart I know its better that these things happen early on, because from experience its Much more difficult to deal with and to endure when youre farther along. Just like last time, i had to see what wouldve been my baby. That was very hard. So, some people can think what they want of me & that situation. It was a brief moment of love, and it just wasnt ment to be created into a person. God doesnt make mistakes.

lil darlin' like 2 peas in a pod

i spent most of tonight talking to jess. she's the babymama of my x(sorta) and we have been talking on and off for a few years. for some reason he and i like to keep tabs on eachother. probably since we had a good friendship and a few flings but never had enough of a relationship to have had arguments or any pain and suffering. I love him to this day and want nothing but good for him. Unfortunately their 3rd baby together was just stillborn a few days ago. They named him Joshua Dallas, and it crushes me to know that the son that steve always wanted didnt make it. He's having a really hard time dealing with it. They have 2 beautiful girls together, and he has one from a previous relationship with my old friend. My old friend who happend to commit suicide and whose funeral procession i passed on my way to my 22nd birthday party. Do you ever have one of those moments when time slows down & seems to stop completely. Well on april 15th that occured. I saw that long black car, i saw the procession behind it,.... and i couldnt have known it was her. i didnt know untill a year later when i read her sisters blog that it was. because she was buried in fredericksburg and would have had to pass where i was to get there. What are the chances of that. IF there isnt a God, who in the hell made that type of simple fate. One last goodbye. ME and her didnt get along very well toward the end of our friendship. Mostly because she was addicted to hardcore drugs and was prostituting herself and basically just left her kid to be raised by her parents. I was so pissed at her for throwing her life away. And now she's dead. And steven is with a really nice girl, i couldnt have asked for more for him. I just want him to be warm and happy and safe. Why do i want that. Because at one time, I wanted to be the one to do those thing for him. But that was nearly 12 years ago now. And I just want to be friends with his new gf and hang out with her and have our kids play together. Whatever was between me and him in the past can just be something to bond us together, to know that we once were very close and I would never hurt him. One time....he came out of his bedroom swinging....punching people and fighting over something Very stupid. But when he got near me, in an instant time slowed again, and he said Not You. And he backed off and didnt hurt me. I was just in the kitchen minding my own business and i couldve been punched just like the other people. IT was a mess and i wont get into the reasons Why he was doing that. But time slows down when it comes to him. Like I know we knew eachother in another lifetime. Some people dont believe in that crap, but i cant deny the things Ive seen when it comes to him. And although I dont desire him to be my own, I just want him to be happy. And tonight, hearing that he has lost his only son, his much desired and wanted son. Tears me apart. I remember when we were "together" i had a miscarriage not long afterward. We never talked about it. It was a very early one and it was obviously not ment to be. But there are ties that bind in this life. Ties that bind. Once when i first started talking to jess she told me she had heard all about me, and that she felt that him and i should have been together since we talk about one another. But, if that was what was ment to be. It had its chance, time and time again. But it just wasnt there. The love was, but we were on two different paths. He took the long way around. And i took the direct route to happiness. Oddly enough he met his gf in a parking lot. He almost backed over her. I was in that parking lot. I SAW that happen. But i didnt know who it was and i didnt care at the time, i was busy doing my own thing with one of my girlfriends. But i remember it. And i met ben in a parking lot because i thought, from a distance. that he was steve. So i shouted out to him, HEY YOU! but as he got closer i realized he wasnt steve, he was a whole breath of fresh air. And ive never been so happy with my life since ive been with my husband. WE've had our ups and downs, and we've had points when i thought for sure we would break in half. But we stayd together. Im willing to do whatever it is he needs me to do. I just want him to be happy. I just want everyone to be happy. Remeber that old coke commercial......well maybe ill get some friends together and climb a hill and sing about buying the world a coke and we'll all be smiley and happy and peaceful. And nobodies babies will pass away and nobodies pregnancies will end in miscarriage. 6. 6 babies that arent here with me. Six little angels waiting in heaven to meet me again. Some day ill get the courage to go see michele's grave and to put a flower on it and tell her im sorry for anything i may have done to her, to help her down the bad path she was on. And appologise for not being more persistant. For basically giving up. And maybe some day I will be able to give steve a hug again and tell him, that everything will be okay someday. He has a beautiful family. I have a beautiful family. And both of the people who were in our lives before have either passed on or moved on into becoming dregs on society.

little girl big sister

i feel so bad. on one hand i'll be thrilled if the dr can confirm this pregnancy as viable. And on the other hand i'll be so sad, that Kate will not be our little baby anymore, and that she wont' really have gotten to know what it was like to be the baby. I keep being re-assured that she will never have known the difference and that she will be a great big sister. I keep remembering how lonely connor was when he was the only child. I always wished we had had another baby right after him so he could have a friend. He is such a good big brother, he delights in everything "his baby" does. She could beat the bejesus out of him and he'd laugh and carry on with her. The love i feel when i see my two babies together is overwhelming. I am so emotional right now. I feel like just yesterday I had him in my arms wrapped in a little pink and blue cotton blanket, his tiny little face looking up at me with such hope and light. And now he runs circles around me and we have conversations, mostly about topics that I have no idea what we're discussing. His intelligence amazes me. He outwits me with ease. My daughter, is a beautiful creature. She will surely become even more beautiful as she grows. My heart feels so full when i think of how wonderful they both are that I think it might just bust right open. How could another baby be a bad thing? There are the practicality issues, but its not like we'd be the first people in history to have more children then money. My great grandmother had 13 children! Surely she wasnt able to provide every whim they might have had, but they were loved. You can be sure of that. Loved and dearly wanted. At times I think of the sorrow and pain that must have followed the death of my great-aunt Virginia. She was only an infant. She had the same bowel issues that Kate has. It really hits home for me. Kate was so easily taken care of and helped with modern medicine, and Virginia suffered untill she passed from this world into the next. My poor grandmother, only 18months older than her little sister Never forgot her. She kept pictures of her on her dresser and talked about her as if they were friends that would be getting together that afternoon for lunch. The similarities of that situation and my own are not lost on me. Somewhere my grandmother knows the plan God has for me, and she knows that we will be okay. God doesnt give you more than you can handle, and he certainly doesnt make mistakes. His plan is not mine to know, only to live out. I can only surmise that the reason that ben and I are even still on this earth was to bring these beautiful souls into it. If one more is ours to behold, then a blessing that child shall be. And if not, another hole in my heart will surely appear.

i cry.

would you go with me

its a lazy tuesday afternoon. ben isnt home from work yet, and the kids are both taking a nap. Im doing laundry but im trying to avoid putting the dyer on because its just going to heat up the house, and for the most part the house has been pretty cool today. Considering its like 107' outside right now. I am so dizzy, i keep getting dizzy and then i'll feel better and then i just get dizzy again. Steve Wilkos rocks, and owes me a t-shirt just because he used to baby-sit my husband. Yes. Its true.

birthdays & baby steps

so today was connor’s 4th birthday. my parents came down and I cooked a spaghetti dinner for everyone, then we ate spice cake and let connor open his presents. I think he got more playdough then the local toystore even has. We shall be playing play-dough for months to come. Brigit sent down two beautiful dresses for kate. The yellow one she sent will be featured in our soon to be taken family picture. Its too cute! Way too cute!
Another development of the day. I woke up this morning feeling less than confident in my test results from yesterday. Positive, negative, sorta-kinda-positive. So i decided hey….whats it going to hurt to take just one more test. So i did. And that one was Vibrant purple, but it faded during the day. I ended up calling the manufacturer and asking what that was all about and if i could trust the results i had already gotten within the time frame. Of course they were like, your results are only valid in the first 10 minutes. So. I guess its positive, it just decided not to hang around. I suppose the idea is sinking in slowly. We so didnt plan for this to happen, the window of opportunity for us to have concieved was so small, i can only manage to think that God doesnt make mistakes. Im terrified of whats going to happen when we tell our families. I already sorta-kinda mentioned it to my mom that I thought I might be. But because ive had miscarriages before, and recived a positive test with 2 of them, I am trying my hardest to not get my hopes up too high. Although, admitedly thats much easier said than done. Ben and I discussed names tonight. He’s convinced that the baby will be *sticky* and that we’ll be the proud parents of 3 rugrats come February. Men…so easily they accept a pregnancy, since they dont have to carry the child nor endure the proceedure which brings them into this world. And in my case, that involves morphine, and stitches. The only names we agree on at this point are Logan & Kristina. There are TONS of names i love, being a total name-nerd. But, he’s pretty reserved when it comes to them. He thinks he’s so awsome just because he managed to name our kids. I wanted Tristan & Ava, but we have Connor & Katelynn. I love their names either way. He has pretty good taste, come to think of it. Lol. Shhh. dont tell him. Im going to wait untill Friday and take yet another test. If that one is a viable positive Im going to call my doctor(s) and let them know that I am most likely with child and I will need to book appointments. My new doctor will have to decide whether to keep me on my current meds or switch me to something that might be safer during pregnancy. Then again, what im taking could very well be okay. I havent really looked into it. I know at this point its not going to make a huge difference to the growing embryo. But i would really like to make sure we’re on the same page before the baby-boo starts being more affected by my actions. Luckily im on a VERY low dose, so thats good. A Low dose of what you say, Im not telling. Just know im completely bi polar, and also lots and lots of fun, or lots and lots of annoying, lol. As for my other dr. She might not be very happy with me. I just saw her at the beginning of april after my last m.c. (sad) and she put me on Lybrel, which makes it so you dont have Any periods at all. Well… thats all fine and dandy unless your trying to figure out when you could have possibly gotten knocked up. And then, its a pain in the B-U-T-T! So, i imagine she’s going to be a little gruff about the whole thing. 9 months pregnant. 9 months not pregnant. 9 months pregnant again. Go me! Ben thinks this one will be a boy because by this point he claims i was already very sick with Kate. Well, i disagree. I didnt find out I was pregnant with Kate untill i was nearly 8 weeks along. And i am just barely touching the middle of 4 weeks. The tests i took I know i took very early. And thats part of my concern that I will m.c. and then be completely distraught all over again. If that happens yet again, ben is going to get his pee-pee snipped and Im going to settle for the two pregnancies that i did complete. Connor and Kate. And truly they are enough for me. But God doesnt make mistakes, and this baby will be if he/she is ment to be.
signing off for tonight. check back for more on our crazy wonderful life.