little girl big sister

i feel so bad. on one hand i'll be thrilled if the dr can confirm this pregnancy as viable. And on the other hand i'll be so sad, that Kate will not be our little baby anymore, and that she wont' really have gotten to know what it was like to be the baby. I keep being re-assured that she will never have known the difference and that she will be a great big sister. I keep remembering how lonely connor was when he was the only child. I always wished we had had another baby right after him so he could have a friend. He is such a good big brother, he delights in everything "his baby" does. She could beat the bejesus out of him and he'd laugh and carry on with her. The love i feel when i see my two babies together is overwhelming. I am so emotional right now. I feel like just yesterday I had him in my arms wrapped in a little pink and blue cotton blanket, his tiny little face looking up at me with such hope and light. And now he runs circles around me and we have conversations, mostly about topics that I have no idea what we're discussing. His intelligence amazes me. He outwits me with ease. My daughter, is a beautiful creature. She will surely become even more beautiful as she grows. My heart feels so full when i think of how wonderful they both are that I think it might just bust right open. How could another baby be a bad thing? There are the practicality issues, but its not like we'd be the first people in history to have more children then money. My great grandmother had 13 children! Surely she wasnt able to provide every whim they might have had, but they were loved. You can be sure of that. Loved and dearly wanted. At times I think of the sorrow and pain that must have followed the death of my great-aunt Virginia. She was only an infant. She had the same bowel issues that Kate has. It really hits home for me. Kate was so easily taken care of and helped with modern medicine, and Virginia suffered untill she passed from this world into the next. My poor grandmother, only 18months older than her little sister Never forgot her. She kept pictures of her on her dresser and talked about her as if they were friends that would be getting together that afternoon for lunch. The similarities of that situation and my own are not lost on me. Somewhere my grandmother knows the plan God has for me, and she knows that we will be okay. God doesnt give you more than you can handle, and he certainly doesnt make mistakes. His plan is not mine to know, only to live out. I can only surmise that the reason that ben and I are even still on this earth was to bring these beautiful souls into it. If one more is ours to behold, then a blessing that child shall be. And if not, another hole in my heart will surely appear.

i cry.